Tag Archives: #tolerance

Not Fair – Just A Slap

If something is unfair and nobody is aware that it is unfair – is it still unfair?

I am writing this blog right after watching the Bollywood movie – ‘Thappad’ which translates into – ‘Slap’. And I am writing this caught up in an emotion which can only be described as ‘Outraged helplessness.’

This movie hit hard because it articulated out aloud what I knew was unfair. I have talked about this often. And my admiration for the tolerance that my mom, her mom and her mom have- has only increased. And how often it goes unnoticed or unappreciated.

I am successful by society’s standards. I am a software engineer with an MBA working at a prestigious company. I have written three books, founded a dance company and co-founded a social enterprise. But, it still bugs me that when I go back home – my extended family does not ask about my work – they ask my mom if there is good news aka ‘If I am pregnant or not.’ When I got admission into London Business School – the vast majority did not celebrate the success instead were worried about my marriage prospects.

I am not stating this because I want to list my accomplishments or point out the ignorance of others. Instead, I want to point out that according to society, my purpose is to get married and have kids—a woman’s life.

Even as I write this, I feel a bitterness inside of me. Me, my mom and thousands like us are told that a woman has to adjust, compromise and keep the house together. And guess who tells us this – other women.

I am not blaming anybody. We are where we are as a society, and the only way is forward. I get that. I also get that women have come a long way. I also understand it is easy for me to make these statements because I am independent. Most women do not have this choice. I am also not blaming men – they know what they know, are learning, and every day it is getting better.

PLOT SUMMARY: A couple in love – a housewife and ambitious husband. Husband comes to know that he has not been awarded the position he wanted in his company and slaps his wife at the celebration party. Just one slap and the first time it has happened. Wife says – One slap brought into focus all the other items that were unfair in her life. And her husband, her mother and mother-in-law all tell her. ‘It was one slap – Let it go – Women have to adjust.’

I am outraged that this happens, and I know some of the people I know would give me the same advice. I feel helpless that there is no one easy solution for this.

We are all in this together. Women and Men. We have to re-imagine what is possible and make it happen. But, we limit ourselves by our perceptions of reality and what is possible. There is a fear to break the societal norms because that’s the world we know. We all have moments in our life when it tugs at our heartstrings – when it does act on it. That holds for me as well.

Maybe coronavirus is nature’s way of showing her outrage at what we did for ages. Will we learn?

My recommendation especially if you are a woman – watch it. It is available on amazon prime video.

We Think With Our Eyes

For reasons unfathomable at this point, I had watched Karate Kid sometime ago, and the line that stood out for me from that movie was – ‘We think with our eyes.’ We see something that feeds into our mind, and we create our lives through that.

It is very much like a computer – you provide the input, and then the CPU (central processing unit – the equivalent of our mind/brain) goes into its existing database and creates an output. And the range of the output is dependent on the database built from our past experiences and what we glean from media and other outlets subconsciously. As a human being, we have the capacity to discern, be aware – Pause and exercise our choice on the output. Sadly, it is not a widely used or known capability.

I remember watching a movie clip that Prof.Rao from Creativity and Personal Mastery used to show us in the class. It looked like as if a man was running away after stealing something from another man. But when looked at it differently it showed him running to save an older man from a box (or a crane) falling on his head.

We have all seen the following image of the Young and the Old Lady. Or the 3D illusions where your eyes show you something but the reality is something else.

All these examples depict that what we see with our eyes is not the reality as it is. Isn’t it scary that we live and create a world mostly just believing what our eyes show us? What we see is a piece of reality, and as long as we keep that in mind, the chances that we are more reasonable in our judgements of others are higher.

Another way to balance the fact that we are biased towards what we see with our eyes is to give it time. Let’s say you see something that bothers you or you read an email that annoys you. Try sitting with the pain, uncomfortableness that arises from the email. Notice the need to react and lash out immediately – there is power in that. Because most of the times, our first reaction is not the best or the most accurate response. Blaise Pascal said, ‘All of humanity’s problem stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room.’

We cannot hold space within us for problems/painful items. We need to resolve them quickly – sometimes causing more pain in return. If we develop the ability to sit with a question – we will realise that the answer is within us or the question is no longer relevant. If we could do this as a race we will recognise how shortsighted we are in our view of each other and the world. If we could see – a true sight that comes with tolerance, patience and one-ness, we could see that there are very few items that require conflict/discord or disagreement.

How will you balance the bias of your eyesight?

Reality(s)

Yesterday Wild Tiger Tees (a social enterprise of which I am one of the co-founders) went to festival for good in Columbus Ohio.

It is a cool festival about ‘Doing more good’ – all the booths in this festival have a social tinge to it like how Wild Tiger Tees empower youth experiencing homelessness, there were other missions like Passion works that enable less able people to express their creativity, etc.

Everybody comes to these events with their reality.
1. Wild Tiger Tees: We came to test our business model, spread word, get some business and honestly to have a lot of fun. I am very grateful that I love hanging out with our team, so a day with them seemed like a great idea.
2. Police at the event: For them, success means happy people. Nobody is upset or grumbling – then they can enjoy themselves.
3. Beer People: For some, it was an event where they can hang out, drink some beer and have good food – with not much inclination towards the social cause.
4. Aki (Our Dog): It was not the best event because of all the traffic and the noise from the music on stage.
5. New People: And some people were just new to Columbus and were looking to meet like-minded people.

Everybody came to the same event with their reality. It is the same event, but everybody got a different experience. If you asked a few people you will hear different versions of the same event based on their expectations and experience. For the person who is coming to make friends is looking for people he can hang out with, for a person who is genuinely interested in the social mission – he is looking to meet as many social enterprises he can.

Life is no different. We all live on the same planet earth, drink the same water and breath the same air. But, our individual lives are so different. We have different realities and different expectations from life in general. What this means is that we do not have the full picture of the events including life itself. Second, we get what we are looking for, so we miss out on a lot of other things. And our understanding of the events is never complete at any given point in time.

What does this mean for us? Awareness that our reality might not be the only reality. Next time we get into an argument with somebody or do not agree with their point of view – remember we only know our end of the story. It’s like we are all in one big house and everybody has a different view from their room windows, and when we meet for dinner, we are all talking about our room views, which is ok as long as we realize that other people are also thinking the same way about their view. People who have come to our room know what we are talking about, but people who haven’t won’t know much.

Observing things and not labeling them is one way to remain grounded in this reality – that we have different realities.