Tag Archives: #selflove

Not Just Funny!

So, I have been watching a standup comedy show called – Comicstaan on Amazon Prime Video. This is an Indian show featuring Indian comedians. I stumbled upon it – watched the trailer, loved the jokes and got hooked to it.

I have watched other standup comedians too, mostly western and I enjoyed those, but there was something more endearing about Comicstaan. As I kept watching episodes, it dawned on me that it is the Indian context that I connected with at a deeper level sometimes even more so than the comedy.

Because I knew what they were talking about as I had gone through the experience myself. I believe that the punchlines are just a lot stronger in Hindi or other regional languages because that is what I heard growing up and some words aren’t translatable. You have to know them.

It was more of a nostalgic journey for me, as well. It brought back all the school memories, eve-teasing in India, local trains. The daily routine that I had and brought into sharp focus the sad/annoying parts of it in a humorous way – the beauty of stand up comedy. For example, when I was growing up, we had to do this thing called ‘March Past’. It was a squad of kids who would march around the school grounds and turn to look at the chief guest when we passed them. One of my favourite comedians – Kannan Gill did a 5-minute bit about it. To paraphrase, he said, ‘Which perverse chief guest wants to see kids sweat in the sun and look at him as they march past him?’ Authentic, made me wonder why we did that, but this is the beauty. You laugh at all the agony you went through.

It is also a source of connection for me. I shared this with my good friend and even my dad. And when I described it to them there was this moment of instant connection when we all went back to our school days – experienced the same thing – came back to the conversation feeling more connected.

It also brought me up to date with what has happened in India after I left. India now has the tallest statue in the world – called ‘Statue of unity.’ The state of ‘Allahbad’ is now called ‘Prayagraj’. And apparently, dick pics/casual sex/dating are the rage in India. It made me realize that India I knew and grew up in does not exist. I do not think I will be ‘at home’ in India the same way I was before – there will be a lot of catching up to do.

And of course, I laughed a lot. I chuckled and sometimes came close to rolling on the floor. When we can laugh at our follies – it is as close to nirvana or enlightenment that we can get to. We tend to take ourselves too seriously, and sometimes we need somebody else to point out that funny side.

How do you bring humor in your life?

Illogical

I have recently discovered Self-Compassion. I knew it was the right thing to do; it is something we should practice. But as we all know, there is a vast difference between knowing and knowing, right? When the student is ready teacher appears.

I watched the video by Kristen Neff on Self-Compassion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4&t=666s. If this topic calls out to you, then watch it. I am like in pre-kindergarten or pre-kg as Indians would say when it comes self-compassion. So, this talk was very insightful. It is in this talk she says – we all want to be above average, and if we look at the audience how is that even possible? Like, logically, practically possible. Makes sense, right? But then we all want to be above average. What is wrong with being average – when lots of people are average? As a matter of fact, what is wrong with being below average? Nothing, the only thing is you do not fit into the society’s definition of good. 

Perfection is a myth

The other item she talks about is being human is being imperfect. I love it. As a struggling perfectionist (and perfectionists are always struggling because it is difficult to achieve) I loved it that as humans, we are imperfect. We will mess up. If you haven’t messed up yet, too bad, it will be a lot to handle when it hits- one of the reasons for fear and anxiety in our society. To get the promotion, to top the class or if you are not competitive, then to be the best that you can be. What if you weren’t in the mood? Or, there are genuinely more intelligent, fast people than you. 

It’s like telling a river – you better win the race. Stupid, right. The river is happily flowing or bubbling – whatever it feels like and now all of a sudden the mother nature starts telling all its rivers – move fast, you have to be the one to reach the ocean first. Would that even work? And why would the river care – it is going to reach the ocean anyways. But, no as a society, we have to tell people to hurry up and reach their full potential.

If there is a judgement of any kind, then there is no compassion or self-love. Judgement at the end of the day is just another form of self-hatred. And it prevents you from accepting what is. Another excellent point that Kristen Neff makes is that self-compassion is loving yourself the way you are with flaws and all. All of us have parts of us that we love; usually, the ones that get external validation and other parts are neglected. Why the bias? I exist, and that is all there is to it. Imagine you tell your hand I love your pinky finger but the thumb not so much. First of all, stupid comparison – every finger has its use. And what is the point of comparison?

It is time to be kind of ourselves first – unless we learn that we will never be able to do it entirely for others. How will you be kind to yourself?

On The Other Hand

Recently, I have started noticing different things.
There are a lot more people who are walking their dogs.
I see father/son going on a walk.
I see mother/daughter running with their dog.
I see families going on bikes together.
I see couples walking around the park.

With the coronavirus quarantine, we are spending time with people who matter the most in our lives. We are beginning to look – really look at our spouses, children and see them for who they are. We are calling up family far and near and zooming/skyping with them.

The question does arise, ‘Does it take a pandemic for us to wake up and do what we should have always been doing?’ Somebody wise said, ‘If you want to be enlightened, then spend a month with your parents or closed one.’ Because those closest us to know our hot buttons and prolonged exposure to them will force us to deal with the hot buttons – thus making us all a better version of ourselves. There are some blogs doing rounds predicting an increase in the baby boom and divorce after the pandemic.

flat character design and elements. vector illustration

Dolphins/Swans/Fishes are coming back in droves to Italy waters.
People are travelling when necessary, be it via car or planes.
Aeroplane travel is almost down to the bare minimum.
Most industries have shut down.

Can you hear mother nature heave a sigh of relief and take a deep breath as she gets much-needed downtime to recoup and refill her coffers? Again, the question arises, ‘Does it take a pandemic for us to stop depleting Mother Nature’s resources?’ Some say that this is Mother Nature’s way of imposing her will on us so that she can take a break. Can you imagine what a positive impact this is having on the environment? The air quality will improve tenfolds.

The coronavirus is forcing all of us to have a holistic detox – lifestyle, food, people. And with the slowing down comes the free time, which will spark our creativity. People are playing games, reading books, watching movies and soon as the layers of daily life lift from us we will start to gravitate towards activities that were looking to bloom like drawing, writing and whatever form this creativity may take for each of us.

W.H Davis said, ‘What is this life if, full of care, We have no time to stand and stare. No time to stand beneath the boughs. And stare as long as sheep or cows.’ Guess what, now we have all the time to stare.

We are spending a lot of time with ourselves, which can be very dangerous. Blaise Pascal said, “All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone.” We will see what comes of this. It is up to each of us to make the most of this time and most importantly when this passes, and it will pass – take the lessons we have learnt into the new consciousness that will arise.

Human Predicament – Musings

I just watched the movie Parasite. (Disclaimer: there might be some spoilers below). It is a Korean oscar-winning movie. The premise, plot and complemented with the acting. It is not a light watch – instead, it left me feeling very heavy in my heart for reasons that I cannot articulate. Hence, the blog.

If you have been reading my blogs, then you are familiar with my fascination with the human predicament. The human predicament for me refers to the condition(s) that arise with being human. For example, – our need for control, our bond with mind chatter, and so on.

Parasite seems to touch on so many of the human predicaments – that it struck a chord which is still resonating. Let’s explore some of the themes that I could see in the movie.

History repeats itself, but we are not any wiser.
I cannot get around my head around the fact of how we never learn our lessons (me included) regardless of how many times we are in the same situation. We as a human race have survived – wars, holocausts, genocides, and still, they keep happening. Will we as a race every learn? In the movie, the Kim family fail to empathize with the housekeeper and her husband, even though they are in the same situation. We have not realized that we are all one; hence we tend to attack each other – metaphorically in various ways.

We see only a part of the reality.
Parks have no idea that they have a couple living in their basement; they do not even know they have the second – deeper basement. The Parks also do not realize when the Kims con their way into their homes. Parks also have no idea that they are supporting the entire Kim family. In fact, till the end, nobody discovers the basement. There are so many things that we do not see in our daily lives because we are caught up in our drama.

The best plan is no plan.
This is a line from the movie. Dad Kim tells his son that the best plan is not to have any plan because then nothing can derail it. We can make all the beautiful plans in the world, but there is always something that can derail it. We can account for all the contingencies, back up plans, but in the end, there is no guarantee that a plan will work.

We can die at any moment.
With so many calamities happening all around the world, be it Tsunami, Earthquake, Gun shooting – there is no guarantee that I will wake up alive when I go to bed. And no guarantee that I will come back home alive when I leave the house. I know this sounds morbid, but this is the truth of life. Here today – gone tomorrow. But we conduct our lives in a fashion as if we are all immortals.

Unfortunately, none of what you are reading is a new theme – we are all familiar with the issues, but they are not how we lead our lives.

Did this tug at your heartstrings? What does this spark in you?

We Think With Our Eyes

For reasons unfathomable at this point, I had watched Karate Kid sometime ago, and the line that stood out for me from that movie was – ‘We think with our eyes.’ We see something that feeds into our mind, and we create our lives through that.

It is very much like a computer – you provide the input, and then the CPU (central processing unit – the equivalent of our mind/brain) goes into its existing database and creates an output. And the range of the output is dependent on the database built from our past experiences and what we glean from media and other outlets subconsciously. As a human being, we have the capacity to discern, be aware – Pause and exercise our choice on the output. Sadly, it is not a widely used or known capability.

I remember watching a movie clip that Prof.Rao from Creativity and Personal Mastery used to show us in the class. It looked like as if a man was running away after stealing something from another man. But when looked at it differently it showed him running to save an older man from a box (or a crane) falling on his head.

We have all seen the following image of the Young and the Old Lady. Or the 3D illusions where your eyes show you something but the reality is something else.

All these examples depict that what we see with our eyes is not the reality as it is. Isn’t it scary that we live and create a world mostly just believing what our eyes show us? What we see is a piece of reality, and as long as we keep that in mind, the chances that we are more reasonable in our judgements of others are higher.

Another way to balance the fact that we are biased towards what we see with our eyes is to give it time. Let’s say you see something that bothers you or you read an email that annoys you. Try sitting with the pain, uncomfortableness that arises from the email. Notice the need to react and lash out immediately – there is power in that. Because most of the times, our first reaction is not the best or the most accurate response. Blaise Pascal said, ‘All of humanity’s problem stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room.’

We cannot hold space within us for problems/painful items. We need to resolve them quickly – sometimes causing more pain in return. If we develop the ability to sit with a question – we will realise that the answer is within us or the question is no longer relevant. If we could do this as a race we will recognise how shortsighted we are in our view of each other and the world. If we could see – a true sight that comes with tolerance, patience and one-ness, we could see that there are very few items that require conflict/discord or disagreement.

How will you balance the bias of your eyesight?

Joy By Proxy

When I started my Bollywood Dance Class – I had no idea that it would be so much more than just dancing or driving Monday Blues away as I said on my website. What do I mean by this?

One of my very first clients was a hen night or Bachelorette party. It was the bride and her friends who wanted to learn a Bollywood Dance. It was my first time doing such an event – I planned it like a project manager would – Steps/ timings/ music etc. What I did not account for was the priceless joy of being included in somebody’s celebrations. The joy I felt was not dampened by being behind the scenes; on the contrary, it was freeing.

Since then, I have had numerous occasions to be a small part of other people’s celebrations. Like a boyfriend wanting to propose to his girlfriend at the end of the dance as a surprise, couples preparing for their wedding dance, parents planning to surprise their children with a special dance or children planning a surprise for their parent’s anniversary. The list is endless.

Joy or happiness by itself is free, and it is not the property of any one person. There is no such law that says that a person who is getting married is happier than her best friend. Only we can determine our level of happiness. 

Today, I taught a charming song to a lovely couple who are getting ready for their wedding. And I felt so much peace and joy, watching them enjoy the dance and bond between them. Technically speaking all I am doing is teaching them a series of hand and leg movements. There is no I or Me involved here at all.

What stops me feeling joy at hearing somebody else’s promotion or success? There are other situations where other happiness or celebration can be the cause of suffering. The answer to that is capital I. The minute we add I to anything pain begins – it becomes all about them and us. We are disconnected and view ourselves as separate beings. And once we do that it becomes a zero-sum world, more for them means less for them.

I just watched The Report on Amazon Prime about torture done by the CIA. And in that Dan Jones says, ‘But fear and shame do not make for better policy decisions and the fact that the people who we captured didn’t look like us or believe the same things we do, made it that much easier to do the things we did.’ 

The day we realize that Joy, by proxy, is the same as Joy by oneness or connectedness is the day we leap the next level of consciousness. If it is possible for us to experience Joy by watching others when we are not personally involved in it, it is possible for all of us to have the connection. We have to expand our circle of who is included in the I.

How will you experience connectedness today?

Be Fallow, Be Free

In the old days, farmers would let a piece of land be without crops for a season as it would regain its fertility. This land which was left as it is was called fallow land. There was another technique called crop rotation which involved rotating crops in a fashion to replenish the nutrients in the soil — for example, rotating between corn – heavy nitrogen user with Soybean – low nitrogen user. The farmers and people that time understood that sometimes you have to let things be so that they can be active again. Nothing is bottomless.

The farmers can, of course, ignore the above and continue to grow crops, but the land will have very low productivity and yield. And then there is the artificial hybridization for fast-growing plants or using fertilizers/pesticides which ultimately get into food and cause problems two-three generations down the line.

If you are wondering, how is this related to our lives? Think again! How many times in our lives have we just kept going without being fallow? The few instances we do talk about being ‘As it is’ is in terms of exceptions like sabbaticals. Or worse, sometimes it is forced upon us in terms of illness, injury – because we overused all the nutrients and now our body and mind are forcing us to lay fallow.

Yes, we do take vacation ts, but for it to be genuinely a vacation – it has to be an extended period. Imagine growing crops all year and then letting the land be fallow for a weekend or if we are feeling extravagant, it will be for the long weekend or ten days. Wow! Ten days to recover after years of toiling – we/society feel guilty about this.

What kind of a world have we created where doing nothing is considered worse than working ourselves to death. Now, doing nothing has a very sacred meaning which we have forgotten. Doing nothing does not mean mindlessly watching TV or giving up on your responsibilities or actively thinking (or worrying) about things that have happened or might happen. Doing nothing also does not mean actively doing something other than working – like pursuing a hobby or training for a marathon. It means no doing.

Then the question arises – if we are not doing something that what are we doing? We are being and not doing. There is a vast difference. Doing something from the space of being is enriching instead of just doing something because you exist. It is the inner stillness. Clarity arises from stillness only as confusion emerges from Chaos.

It is possible to maintain the inner stillness even when we are doing stuff. Still, to the first experience, the inner stillness – being fallow is essential, especially given how busy our lives are. Being Fallow is being free. And then can we be truly high performing, productive, superstars.

How will you experience and enjoy Fallowness?

Be Elastic

I am sure all of you have used rubber bands – they are very elastic. If they were stiff, then there is no point in using them. Each rubber band has its breaking point, but for the most part, they are flexible when it comes to holding things together – be it a small bundle of pens or a big wad of paper. Rubber bands have a spectrum or a range in which they operate as opposed to a binary decision point.

We all make resolutions or decide to make some new habits, right? For example, waking up at 5:30 am every day. For most of us, it is a binary item – we are successful if we wake up at 5:30 am and unsuccessful if we do not. Either we wake up at 5:30 am, or we do not. Does that make sense? Does that take into account that the rest of our life is not so binary? What about the nights when you have extra work, and you are not able to go to bed at your regular bedtime. Or what about when your baby refuses to go to bed on time? Or you have your best friend visiting you? Or how about you need a break? Our life is unpredictable. The waking up at 5:30 am needs to adjust for those needs. When we decide the success criteria for such habits, we need to have a range like if I wake four days out of 7 at 5:30 am it is a success – for example.

Operating within a range or spectrum – being elastic has its benefits. One, it is practical. The Chinese have a saying that doing something 80% is perfection. Second, it helps us be kind to ourselves. Imagine beating yourself up because you did not get up at 5:30 am because you wanted to sleep in one day. Third, it accommodates for us being humans. We all have days when we are lazy or don’t want to get up at 5:30 am, and elasticity gives us a way to honour that need.

Not, all items we do can have a range. Like, if you are catching a flight at 5:00 am then the plane is leaving at 5:00 am – there is no range around that. But most situations, you can build an array. I like to get up in the morning and do a bit of yoga – and my plan used to be – get up do yoga every day. If I missed a day, I would beat myself about it, which would of course not motivate me to do it anymore. So, now I have different built-in levels. For example, if I am up and early – I do all the exercises. If I got up late or have to go to work soon, then I do one cycle of each exercise. And if I have absolutely no time, then I do one sun salutation. This way – I still do my yoga, life-permitting and also be kind to myself.

How will you bring elasticity in your life?

Relapse – Part Of Recovery

It is 2020, a new day, a new year, a new decade. Technically speaking, this is just another day with twenty-four hours in it. Non-technically speaking it is a big deal. People stay up till midnight to usher in this new dawn. Resolutions are made, relationships are built or broken.

I fail to understand why we have to treat this one day out of the three hundred and sixty-five days in a year as unique. Being the logical person I am, I fail to understand the purpose behind welcoming the new year in a bleary-eyed state and wake up tired on the first day of the year. I am one of those people who go to sleep on time and wake up bushy-tailed rearing to go. I do make an exception for special occasions – like fireworks in Sydney – once in a lifetime events.

Going back to resolutions, why would you chose this one day to resolve. It makes more sense to do it when you are ready and not make the New Year Day is THE day to make a resolution. I have found that if I make one day the pivotal point and if I drop off the wagon then it is harder for me get back on as it takes another 365 days for me to re-invigorate my habit.

I remember talking to somebody who was addicted to alcohol and is now over it. But that person said that even now he/she counts every day she has been without alcohol. And when you are starting – relapse is considered a part of recovery. What a benevolent way to become a better version of yourself!

My vision in life is to be a better version of myself, and I do that with all the might and vain which comes with having an abundant supply of will power. With will power comes a strong force which if not balanced, will leave me swinging from one extreme to the other. In some ways, its the difference between dealing with life like a rock-solid mountain vs flowing stream. That is a lesson that I am still in the process of learning. So, I tend to be more hard on myself when I miss out on my habits. Or, I go the complete other way and don’t even try to get back into my practice.

Internalizing the fact, ‘Relapse is a part of the recovery’ means being gentler to myself (one of my resolutions this year to be kind to myself) and being ok to start as many times as it takes to get back on the habit I am trying to build. I have come to know myself enough that I am not going to give up on any practice but knowing that it is ok to fail is a blessing that I need allow.

It does not matter if you make resolutions today as long as you know that this is not the only day – there are three hundred and sixty-four days which can have an even more significant and meaningful impact on your lives.

Have you accounted for relapsing?

Home Away From Home

I have talked about this topic in a few of my previous blogs. But every time I am in London, I am reminded of my global nomadic tribe despite living in Columbus. I cannot deny the almost visceral feeling that I am home while in London. Every fibre of my being relaxes knowing it has arrived – what is it about London that makes me feel at home.

Well, partly, it has nothing to do with London. It is the fact that I have moved around so much that I feel at home only when I don’t belong anywhere. And where else in the world would that be possible except in London.

When you land in London – you are welcomed in a dozen languages at the airport itself. You only have to step outside to hear all the multitude of languages that are being spoken around you. If you were blindfolded and dropped in London, you wouldn’t be able to identify you were in London just by listing to the languages around you. Different accents, Different looks, Different nationalities – THAT IS HOME for me.

I have walked on the streets of London for long enough to make them my home. The pure nostalgia of walking down the old paths and hanging out at the old haunts – makes me feel like I could go back to my old flat in Cleveland street and be back in my good old London days.

Another aspect of London is the proximity to Europe. This time in less than seven days I had visited Paris (for a day) and Spain (for the weekend). The pure joy of listening to french in the day and come back home to the Italian-English accent of the Uber driver in London feels home to me. Because honestly, that’s how I grew up in London, trips every weekend. Within 3 hours you can immerse yourself in the Spanish culture, eating dinner for three hours and have a nice long siesta and then be back in London for work.

And it is always nice to know that I haven’t lost touch with the ‘Things Londoners Do’ – get irritated at people who stand at the left side of the escalators. I had just gotten off the airport, and I was back in the element – mentally willing the tourists in front of me to shift to the right side so that I could zip down the escalators. The way a true Londoner sidesteps around the tourists, politely smiling at their awes. I used to work at British Telecom, conveniently located in st. Pauls – joke around the office was that we were probably in a large number of photos around the world than in our family albums.

London welcomes diversity with open arms and love. That is what this world needs right now – not divisiveness of Brexit or not – but pure love which you cannot take out of London. I am grateful for the fact that you can take a Londoner out of London but not London out of them.