Tag Archives: #judgements

There’s More To It

Coronavirus seems to have crept on us from something that was happening elsewhere to becoming a global pandemic. When it first started, I never anticipated the impact it will have on the entire world. Even after we discover a vaccine, I suspect life as we knew it might not return to normal.

I am sure all of us are digesting to this reality in our fashion. Given that I have been cooped up in my home and combined with the fact that a) I am a rebel at heart and b) There is not much of a social interaction I decided to cut my hair real short – ok somewhat short. As I was leaving for the salon, I asked my husband if our dog Aki would be able to recognize me. And he said, ‘Yes because Aki knows that you are more than your hair.’ And when I come home – Aki did not even blink – he just waited for his dog treat as if nothing had changed.

It made me realize how our perception of ourselves is different from others. I see myself as somebody whose haircut defines looks. Whereas for Aki, the hairstyle does not even make it to the identification criteria. Things that are important to me might not be as relevant to him.

For example, I may wake up with a pimple on my nose. And I go through the rest of the day making a big deal of the pimple – how it is a blemish on my face, how I get a pimple when I have an important meeting at work, wonder what other people are thinking about it. Whereas in reality, others may not even notice it. I am sure they have their ‘own personal’ pimples to think about.

And if we take it a step further, we may impose the importance of our pimple on somebody else who does not care about the pimple as we do. For example, I am a project manager and having a structured approach is like second nature to me. Let’s say I meet somebody else who is not as structured and hence does not have a plan.

If I use the lack of a plan to pass judgement on them or their personality, then am I passing judgement on them or making a statement about myself? If I live my life thinking that people without a plan are lesser than me – the joke is on me. Because I am very narrow-minded – I am not able to think of a reality where people can exist without plans. I am not talking about items that we all fundamentally know to be wrong like cheating, lying, etc., but more mundane issues.

Sometimes in life, we get so ingrained in our way of life that it becomes THE WAY TO LIVE LIFE, and we forget that other people who grew up differently have a different way of life. Their pimples are different than mine. The haircut that is an event in my life might not even make a dent in life for a second. And that is entirely acceptable however unpalatable that it may be for me.

Are you aware of your pimples?

Lazy or Lying On The Couch

How many times have you heard yourself think or say the following statements about yourself or others?
– She is lazy or I am lazy.
– She is always late or I am always late.
– You or I never do this.
When we make such statements, we are very harsh/critical and judgemental. But for some of us, unfortunately, this is so normal that we are not even aware of our word choice.

If we were to rephrase the above as
– She was lying on the couch on Sunday for four hours.
– She has been late two times last week by 15 minutes.
– I have never done this once in the previous one month.

Now, don’t these statements have different energy even when you read them. It is because we are not boxing people into a fixed cube from which there is not getting out. It is because we are not using words like always/never which imply forever – a sense of eternity.

Why is it vital for us to move away from such words or mindset?
Because we are creating a reality which is limiting me or others – and nothing lasts forever. Nobody can be lazy forever. Can you remember a comment from your childhood where somebody said – “She is so careless – she will never be able to do this X as an adult?” And now you can do not only X but Y and Z as well.

Let’s say that for argument sake that since change is hard some people might not change. Even in these scenarios, not putting a finality to their behavior will provide more motivation. Also if there was a small spark of change in them – your word choice or attitude might seal its fate. And at the end of the day, you can only talk about what you see, and it is a little presumptuous of us to pass judgment based on the minuscule things we see.

Why do we do this?
Because it makes life easier for us. If we have decided that the other person is lazy then we have a way to deal with them – they fit a box that we know how to carry. For most of us, life is black and white and so are people – but only because we have learnt to cope in a world where it is so. And that does not make the world so. The following poem sums this sentiment neatly.

POEM By Ruth Bebermeyer
I’ve never seen a lazy man

I’ve never seen a lazy man;
I’ve seen a man who never ran
while I watched him, and I’ve seen
a man who sometimes slept between
lunch and dinner, and who’d stay
at home upon a rainy day,
but he was not a lazy man.
Before you call me crazy,
think, was he a lazy man or
did he just do things we label “lazy”?

I’ve never seen a stupid kid;
I’ve seen a kid who sometimes did
things I didn’t understand
or things in ways I hadn’t planned;
I’ve seen a kid who hadn’t seen
the same places where I had been,
but he was not a stupid kid.
Before you call him stupid,
think, was he a stupid kid or did he
just know different things than you did?

I’ve looked as hard as I can look
but never ever seen a cook;
I saw a person who combined
ingredients on which we dined,
A person who turned on the heat
and watched the stove that cook the meat –
I saw those things but not a cook.
Tell me when you’re looking,
is it a cook you see or is it someone
doing things that we call cooking?

What some of us call lazy
some call tired or easy-going,
what some of us call stupid
some just call a different knowing,
so I’ve come to the conclusion,
it will save us all confusion
if we don’t mix up what we can see
with what is our opinion.
Because you may, I want to say also;
I know that’s only my opinion.