Tag Archives: #betterversion

In Your Head

As some of you know, we have the most gorgeous, most handsome, loveliest of all pups – Aki. His Instagram handle is #iamluckyaki. Some would say that he is a little spoiled and they would be right. He gets daily massages, owns the house. He goes to daycare a few days in the week. Adam and I always imagine what he and other doggy friends might talk about during the day.

Scenario 1: As they greet each other in the morning
Aki: Guess what guys, it is my birthday today. My humans gave four beautiful chew toys. I was so tired that I slept off without even playing with them.
Dog 1: Wow, that is so cool. My parents bath me that day – can you imagine?
Dog 2: Well, I don’t even know if my humans know when my birthday is.

Scenario 2: During lunchtime
Aki: Man! I wish my humans gave me lunch like yours.
Dog 1: You think this is good. You should see what I get at the dinner table.
Dog 2: Yeah, the human cubs are the best – they share everything with me. By everything, I mean everything.

Scenario 3: As they leave
Aki: Remember, guys – behave as if you own the house and your humans will let you sleep in your bed.
Dog 1: Easy for you to say, I am not sure I can do that.
Dog 2: I am not even going to try – the human cub makes the plea on my behalf and works every night.

Adam and I are not the only ones who imagine these things. Movies like Cars, bolt, life in the days of pets are all prime examples of such thinking. Now, do you want to know what happens in a dog’s mind?

Oh! I am hungry, let’s eat. I smell something – is it coming from here? A dog peed here; I better pee over it. My human is back – maybe he will play with me. I need a belly massage; I am going to lie on my back. My paws need licking. I am tired. I need a nap. Nothing is going on – life is good.

They live in the moment without worrying about the past or the present. Dogs are content with what is. But, we humans see ourselves in everything and everyone. So, the chances that what you are thinking is what others are thinking about is rarely correct. What does this mean?

If you think that your friend does not care for you because she forgot to call you. Chances are she got stuck in traffic, her phone got stolen, or in the rare case, she did forget it is not because she did not care for you. We live in our head and make that a reality when the reality is always different.

Somebody told a monk once, ‘You are out of your mind.’ The monk said, ‘Thank you – it took years of practice.’ And that my friend is the key to everything. And like everything else, it starts with awareness.

Which story is your mind concocting now?

In Your Own World

I am an avid fan of Downton Abbey. For those of you who are not familiar with the show here is a quick synopsis.

The series, set in the fictional Yorkshire country estate of Downton Abbey between 1912 and 1926, depicts the lives of the aristocratic Crawley family and their domestic servants in the post-Edwardian era—with the significant events in history affecting their lives and the British social hierarchy. Events depicted throughout the series include news of the sinking of the Titanic in the first series; the outbreak of the First World War, the Spanish influenza pandemic, and the Marconi scandal in the second series; the Irish War of Independence leading to the formation of the Irish Free State in the third series; the Teapot Dome scandal in the fourth series; and the British general election of 1923, the Jallianwala Bagh massacre, and the Beer Hall Putsch in the fifth series. The sixth and final series introduces the rise of the working class during the interwar period and hints at the eventual decline of the British aristocracy. And recently they have released a movie as well.

I love the British-ness of the show. Humour is just too good, especially Maggie Smith who plays the dowager – her lines are to die for, and I am sharing some of them with you

If you are looking for logic, I won’t look for it in the English upper class.
She sits on a swivel chair, and when asked if she would like to move, she responds – ‘I am a good sailor.’
When a dinner guest says that he can do the work on a weekend, she leans over to the guest next to her and says, ‘What’s a weekend?’

If you look at the show, it is nothing but a depiction of the daily life of the people upstairs and downstairs in that era. And the entire play takes place much inside the Abbey itself. Isn’t that fascinating? The lives of the people who live in the Abbey is enough to sustain an award-winning show for six seasons. I found myself wondering as a fan of the fantasy genre why do I find Downton Abbey so exciting – it is mostly set in the Abbey, no planets, no aliens just normal life.

The show pulls you in – before you know you want to know what happens in the lives of the people who live in Downton Abbey. And the Abbey becomes your whole world with characters in the Abbey creating season after season with their drama. Does this sound familiar?

Doesn’t it sound a lot like the lives you and I live? Extending our life stories by the dramas, we create with characters around us. What is scary is we have forgotten that this is just a show. And there is life outside of the show. We are so engrossed in our petty dramas of ‘She said this to me. He was rude to me. They did not want to go out to dinner with me; My Dog loves me.’ – There is no end to these stories.

It is time we raised our awareness and consciousness outside of the entertaining but albeit distracting dramas to Humanity as a race on this planet earth.

What dramas are you going to let go of?

Do We Trust Enough?

I recently signed up to be a Beta Tester for an online course ‘Employee Happiness’ created by an excellent friend of mine – Raj, McCombs School of Business at The University of Texas at Austin. Raj has also written a fantastic book along the same lines, ‘If you are so smart, why are you not happy?’

In his course, Raj talks about the famous wallet study where researchers spread wallets containing money in different parts of the world. The wallets also contained a clue to the owner’s identity so that they could be returned. What do you think was the percentage of the wallets returned? 10%, 20%, 30%?

Results were astonishing. A good 60%-80% of the wallets were returned. I found it surprising, growing up in cities like Mumbai, Delhi you are told to watch out for pickpockets – keep your bag close to you. To this day, I hold my bag with the zip facing towards me. 

The moral of the story is – People are more trustworthy than we believe them to be. The reason for this is negativity bias. When we were all cavemen and cavewomen, we needed to focus on the one thing that would go wrong as our lives depended on it literally. As Sandrine from the online course states – If there was an orange tree – we had to watch out for one tiger that might be lurking behind it. 

But, we don’t live in that world anymore, but we still operate on that negativity bias. We live our lives in fear of the 20% of that can go wrong instead of focusing on the 80% that is going right. Can you imagine the amount of stress that we go through? And we wonder why the divisiveness in the world is increasing?

The world now, more than ever needs more love – in any shape or form, regardless of sexual orientation, nationality, religion. Forget about these big dividers – even in our daily lives, in our office, in our teams, in our social circle – do we trust people? Do we think they are out to get us? Do we believe they will do what is best for everybody? 

I am sure a lot of us are thinking – it would be stupid for me to trust that my colleagues at work want the best for me. Now, think about the wallet study. Can we afford to trust others a little bit more? Even 5%-10% more would make a huge difference. It is time we start doing this if we want humanity to survive happily for future generations. It is all in our heads. It is time we broke the conditioning of our primal mind and evolved to a new level of consciousness. It starts with us, each one of us can contribute to it. Let’s start from a place of trust, give each other benefit of the doubt, and we will be pleasantly surprised – at least 80% of the time.

How will you play your part in increasing the trust in the world?

Be Surprised

I was a little down when we were leaving London – it is almost a physical tug on my heart. It gets harder and harder to leave London, much like India. Such is life – and we ordered a Uber to get to the airport.

I got into the cab all prepared to dwell on the sombre feeling of despair as we edged towards the airport in grey London weather. And before I could fasten the seatbelt – Adam said, ‘Hey, look he has the new Prius.’ Adam and I drive Prius, which started as being a cost-saving option but now has become a way to reduce our carbon footprint. I was super excited to see the Prius dashboard and how it could connect to the phone so seamlessly. I expressed my joy in so many words and that got our driver Piotr (from Poland) to start the conversation. He even paused and reversed the car to show us all the features.

And then we got talking – first about how easy it is to be a Uber driver in the US when compared to the UK. Being MBA students, we ended up doing a back of the envelope math on how much a Uber driver will have to earn in the UK to break even. And then the conversation drifted to how he goes home to Poland, and with all the relative hopping, he feels like he needs a vacation when he comes back to London. How expensive it is to live in London but he cannot go back to Poland because his kids are English. We spoke about driverless cars, insurance, Brexit, climate change and before we knew it, we were at the airport.

And I enjoyed the conversation – the conversation was no different from what I would have with any other dear friend of mine from London over tea. The topics – home, longing for home but not being able to go, climate change, Brexit, voyages were all something that I relate it. Mind you; this was the conversation I had with my Uber driver. How often does this happen?

London as a city invites people or rather sculpts people into this mould because the city encourages discussion, openness. Once you cross the local – petty personal problems – then we can see that there are bigger things in play. The diversity in London makes us look beyond borders. What is the point in fighting over a silly line which we call a country border when the planet might not even survive in fifty years? What is the point in investing millions of dollars in the new technology when we will be having a bottle bath in a few decades? And we don’t even use 10% of the technology we have today – do we use our iPhones and Androids to their full capacity. We all have more computing power in our wristwatches these days but do we understand our carbon footprint on this planet?

This blog took its meandering path from a lovely conversation to awareness of our planet – making the title of this blog apt.

How are you going to surprise yourself?

Home Away From Home

I have talked about this topic in a few of my previous blogs. But every time I am in London, I am reminded of my global nomadic tribe despite living in Columbus. I cannot deny the almost visceral feeling that I am home while in London. Every fibre of my being relaxes knowing it has arrived – what is it about London that makes me feel at home.

Well, partly, it has nothing to do with London. It is the fact that I have moved around so much that I feel at home only when I don’t belong anywhere. And where else in the world would that be possible except in London.

When you land in London – you are welcomed in a dozen languages at the airport itself. You only have to step outside to hear all the multitude of languages that are being spoken around you. If you were blindfolded and dropped in London, you wouldn’t be able to identify you were in London just by listing to the languages around you. Different accents, Different looks, Different nationalities – THAT IS HOME for me.

I have walked on the streets of London for long enough to make them my home. The pure nostalgia of walking down the old paths and hanging out at the old haunts – makes me feel like I could go back to my old flat in Cleveland street and be back in my good old London days.

Another aspect of London is the proximity to Europe. This time in less than seven days I had visited Paris (for a day) and Spain (for the weekend). The pure joy of listening to french in the day and come back home to the Italian-English accent of the Uber driver in London feels home to me. Because honestly, that’s how I grew up in London, trips every weekend. Within 3 hours you can immerse yourself in the Spanish culture, eating dinner for three hours and have a nice long siesta and then be back in London for work.

And it is always nice to know that I haven’t lost touch with the ‘Things Londoners Do’ – get irritated at people who stand at the left side of the escalators. I had just gotten off the airport, and I was back in the element – mentally willing the tourists in front of me to shift to the right side so that I could zip down the escalators. The way a true Londoner sidesteps around the tourists, politely smiling at their awes. I used to work at British Telecom, conveniently located in st. Pauls – joke around the office was that we were probably in a large number of photos around the world than in our family albums.

London welcomes diversity with open arms and love. That is what this world needs right now – not divisiveness of Brexit or not – but pure love which you cannot take out of London. I am grateful for the fact that you can take a Londoner out of London but not London out of them.

How Do I Look?

I have an 11-month-old niece. She is a fascinating creature. She makes me a question and re-think about how I view the world and my mental models around it.

In India, we have a few rituals/customs that have a forgotten significance to them. And a couple of them are piercing kids’ ears regardless of whether they are a boy or a girl. And other is to shave their head and offer the hair to your favourite god or goddess.

My niece is an Australian citizen, so she was about six months old when she got ears pierced and head shaved in India. She expressed her displeasure through crying and screaming but soon after the ordeal was over she was back to her usual self with no recollection of it ever happened.

My niece did not give it a second thought. No questions about how she looked? Will the earring go with her attire? What will people think of her shaven head? Will the hair grow back normally after that? How long will it take for the hair to grow? When can she change her earrings?

Can you imagine doing this as an adult? To begin with, we would have pondered over the decision umpteen times. We would do tons of research beforehand, even read reviews to ensure that we find the right Barber or the Jeweller. It would take us months or years or a lifetime to forget what we did and move one. Even if moved on this would have left a lasting impression on us.

Shaving one’s head, especially if you are a female can leave an impression not only on you but on others around you as well. Ear piercing is more common nowadays, and it is gaining popularity amongst men as well.

At what point in our lives does the identity arise? When do we start concerning ourselves with the way we look, and we start defining who we are with how we look? And more importantly, does it add any value? As we enter the teenager and the young adult phase of our lives, our obsession with our looks reaches a zenith, and then it tends to decline for some. And for some, it is inevitable that reduces the obsession about looks.

Media, Society and Marketing have a big hand to play in this obsession with looks. But we would be foolish to think that it is the sole reason. Our Ego tends to attach itself to the image of how we look, how we fit in, and that is pretty much what drives us to do what we do when it comes to looks.

Researchers once showed the photographs of our supermodels to a remote native tribe and asked the men if they would marry these gorgeous women. Their response was a unanimous NO. ‘She looks as if she is on her deathbed and will not be able to bear any children or do any housework’, was their candid response.

Is your self-identity attached to the way you look?

Empty Your Cup

Let’s start with a story this time

Nan-in, a Japanese master during the Meiji era (1868-1912), received a university professor who came to inquire about Zen.

Nan-in served tea. He poured his visitor’s cup full and then kept on pouring. The professor watched the overflow until he no longer could restrain himself. “It is overfull. No more will go in!”

“Like this cup,” Nan-in said, “you are full of your own opinions and speculations. How can I show you Zen unless you first empty your cup?”

This zen parable does not need any explanation. We are all guilty of it; well, most of us are. It is good to have opinions or ideas as they help us move. The views and the speculations give us the confidence to move forward. It is when they become ‘THE’ opinion that it prevents us from learning.

For example, let’s say I am trying on a new recipe which requires me to steam the potatoes. I do exactly as the recipe says and the dish turns out to be perfect. I make it when my friends come over; they compliment the meal. I have a strong opinion about how to best use potatoes in a dish. Now, my friend comes across, and she says it would be quicker to boil the potatoes than steam them. If I were open to learning, I would at least give it a try. There could be two outcomes – a) The potatoes are done faster, and the dish tastes the same or even better b) The potatoes are done quicker, but the recipe turns out to not so good.

If you are afraid of failure, the chances are you will not try a new technique. Being open to learning means that you have to embrace failure. And to do that, we have to make space for either teaching or failure. And as per the parable if we are full of ourselves, then we have no space. We will be stuck with something that worked for us without moving onto a better version.

There is no denying the fact that it is hard to accept that what worked so well for you in the past is no longer working for you; in fact, it might even be deemed harmful. Our attachment to our way of working is so powerful, and it is this attachment that causes us grief when we try to break it off.

The best way to handle this is to first, respect and honour what worked for you so long – the opinions you held were working. Second, be open to failure and learning – this is hard, the more you do it, the easier it gets. Third, do not beat yourself about it – there is nothing in this life that is worth beating yourself up about; you are just making it difficult for you to learn in the future. Easier said than done, I know.

Practice is the best teacher. Like everything else, it is all about building the muscle. To build the muscle, you have to exercise it as much as possible. You can start by failing in small matter like rolling your tongue, riding a bike without holding the handles, learn a new hobby etc.

What will you learn/fail to make space for new opinions?

Limited By Our Thoughts

Adam and I were discussing cartoon movies we have watched in the past like Cars, Toy Story, How to train your dragon, Kung Fu Panda and Up. The storyline for these movies except Up is primarily based on personification. Up is truly an outlier – ‘a little out of this world’, especially the relationship between the old guy and the young boy scout. Think back to the last book you read or the movie you watched. The plot usually revolves around our daily lives.

There is a book by Christopher Booker titled, ‘The Seven Basic Plots’ which says that there is only seven basic plot. Even the fantasy, Sci-fi movies revolve around these seven plots.

  • Overcoming the Monster.
  • Rags to Riches.
  • The Quest.
  • Voyage and Return.
  • Rebirth.
  • Comedy.
  • Tragedy.

Our imagination, thoughts, ideas, reality and ultimately, the world we live in is limited by what we know. Hopefully, it is dawning on most of us that the world we live in and the consciousness that exists needs an upgrade soon; otherwise, we will be obsolete. With global warming, climate change, increasing focus on genders – we have to do something fast before the universe decides to ignore this speck and continue on its journey.

A shift is happening in some pockets. It may seem very different from our recurring themes to date that our first reaction may be to reject it. For example, in Japan – Akihiko Kondo married his favourite cartoon character. Check out this story at this link in bbc.com . I am sure the people who read this article had a variety of responses ranging from appalled to excited to indifference. But what if this is what will take us to the next level – our next operating system upgrade. It is possible that in the future, a child being born from a mother’s womb becomes a rarity. Let’s face it – human beings are the only race on earth that is not in danger of getting extinct anytime soon. Maybe nature in collaboration with us is trying to help us save us from ourselves?

My favourite quote attributed to Einstein’s is: “We cannot solve our problems with the same level of thinking that created them.” The only time we ever genuinely transcend a problem is when we get new, fresh thinking about it. In other words, we experience a jump in consciousness. This is what is needed now. For this, it requires us to look past what is known and comfortable to us and embrace the new. Even if we are not able to embrace them right away, can we at least keep an open mind and see where it takes us. This leap of faith requires us to make a transition from our known ways of thinking of unique styles of existence which may be beyond imagination.

This requires us to look past our current biases around issues like LGBTQ, Eating meat, immigration, mine vs yours and so on. Unless we can move past these judgements based on the label and randomly drawn lines on the map, we will not be creating space for the change.

How will you create space in your life?

Distorted View

Montessori Mafia – is a nickname coined for the people like Google’s founders Larry Page and Sergei Brin, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, videogame pioneer Will Wright, and Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales, not to mention Julia Child and rapper Sean “P.Diddy” Combs. These are well-known people who have been to Montessori. Now, my eleven-year-old nephew also goes to Montessori. His response was, ‘You know, there are lots of other people who graduate from Montessori.’ That one statement puts it in perspective.

Similarly, let’s say you are an inspirational speaker; all your events are jam-packed. At one event, you spot some empty seats – and suddenly you are not a successful speaker. All those previous full house events that you spoke at are out of the window. It does not take a lot for us to switch our views even in the face of glaring evidence.

We all do this – in our personal lives, in professional lives, in small ways, in significant fundamental ways.

Recently, I read the book, ‘Brave New Work’ where he talks about how there was a rigorous process for a factory worker to get gloves because at some point somebody stole a box of gloves. We obsess so much over losing that one box of gloves that we forgot about all the 99% of the time when it worked well. We plan for exceptions, we plan for things not going well – but do not take into account what happens most of the times. For example, in the glove example – we want to penalize all the other workers because one worker decides to swizzle the system.

How much of our own lives do we plan around the one thing that has a tiny probability of happening? We had one bad experience talking to a stakeholder at work, and we prepare ourselves to deal with such situations for eternity. We conveniently forget about a dozen times in the past when we have had no issues. We are trying to protect ourselves – I understand but admit it, it is a distorted view.

It’s like it rained hard when you had a garden party once – so now you wear a raincoat to all the garden parties. Silly, right? But, sometimes that’s how we live our lives too. That one time we had a heartbreak – we let it dictate all our future relationships – in some cases, we take it with us to the grave.

We have to prepare ourselves when things do not go as planned but live our entire lives assuming things are not going to be that way is a little extreme. What can we do about it? If a situation is causing us to worry, then it might worth checking to see if I am planning for the 1% that will rarely happen or the 99% that usually happens. If we focus on 1% that does not go well – since we are focused on it – it becomes our life.

What are you focusing on these days?

It’s Not Worth It

At work, one of the peers has this annoying habit of forwarding emails that I have already received – and these emails are more of the provocative nature (focusing solely on issues or highlighting where things are not working). I used to respond to these emails. But, as things got hectic, I did not have the patience to do that, so I decided to delete such emails. Funnily, enough one of my team members mentioned the same thing, ‘Why does she/he keep sending emails? And it gets my mind racing.” I told her – “Ignore the emails – just delete it – it’s not the best use of your time.”

There was another time when I was worried about something at work, and one of my peers nonchalantly made a statement, ‘It’s not worth putting energy into.”

How many times in our lives do we spend an obscenely vast chunks of time spending emotional/mental (and sometimes even physical) energy on something tiny? It’s not worth it.

I cannot recall which book I was reading, but one of the statements in the book was, “You are a tiny speck in the universe, and nobody gives a shit about you.” All the things that we do to make ourselves feel important – at some level, they are meaningless.

How do we first identify that it’s not worth spending our energy on? One of the critical indicators could be – ‘Are you dealing with an exception or a regular occurrence?’ If it is an exception and happens once every five years – not worth it. And if it does happen – then yeah, find a way to deal with it and move on. The thing about life that people forget is ‘Moving On’ refers to your thoughts and mental state as well – Keep Moving.

Another question could be, ‘What kind of an impact will this have in my life?’ Do you keep thinking about traffic, or do you think about your future partner? If it has no impact on your life – there is your answer. It seems ridiculously simple, but I find myself surprised at the inordinate amount of time I spend thinking about something that does not even occur in my life.

Ok, so now you can identify which questions are worth it and which are not? Now, how do you get your mind to move in the same direction? Training our minds is where most of us struggle. Most of the time, we are so unconscious that we do not even know what we are thinking. We are all puppets of our minds – Somebody says something to us, and off we go on a roundtrip around the world. We rarely ask ourselves – is my mind focusing on what I want it to think? Meditation is one way to train the mind – watch your thoughts, become aware of them and awareness will automatically bring it to your attention – when you can make a conscious choice about whether it’s worth it or not and move on.

What things are you spending time on which are not worth it?