Monthly Archives: March 2021

How to deal with cracks in your life?

How many times in your life have your plans gone awry? You wanted something to happen, and it does not happen. You did not want something to happen, and it happens. This is the basic definition of Suffering. So, as per this definition, we all suffer and – we have all suffered a lot. Our addiction to Suffering is like filling up a bottomless bucket. 

My last blog was about holes in our lives’ tapestry and how they are a way out of Suffering. As humans, we build stories about how we want our lives to pan out and when they do not we are upset. The travesty of our sandcastles not being able to withstand the first small tides. Our stories are meant to have cracks in them because they allow us to see the light shining through the cracks. Everything in the world of objects is temporary, and the only truth is they are temporary. Change is constant. Don’t believe me – then think about your life so far and tell me one situation that worked out exactly as you had imagined it to be, and you are still content with it now. If you do have such a life situation, wait, and dissatisfaction will creep in. 

Imagine you are playing with clay, and you have made these fascinating creatures of clay. They have names, relationships, cars, houses – everything they wanted but all in clay. And you become so engrossed in the play that you forget they are temporary, and when the figures start to sag – you do your best to bolster them. They stick around for sometime before flagging down. What if, instead of trying to do the impossible, you enjoy the clay figures while they last. The primary focus is your awareness of the drama, not what the clay figures are doing in their very short-lived life. It does not mean that we do not enjoy the clay figures – we do, but our primary focus is our awareness of the drama being played out.

When a clay figure flags or when something unwanted happens, there is space that opens up. And in that space, we have a chance to realize that we are the awareness, the witness. We have an opportunity to see our identification with the clay figures for what it is – temporary and futile. When the crack appears, the light shines on our ignorance. Instead of letting the gap appear, we fill it with another clay figure because we are so identified with the clay figures that we are afraid to realize who we are. It’s like trying to drink water through a thimble when you stand in a vast bottomless lake of water. (Read here about why we started playing with clay figures in the first place)

Next time a crack appears be aware of it and if the desire to fill it with another story comes up, watch that too for however long you can. And more you do it, the more you realize that the crack stays open for longer and longer until there is only light.

What cracks are you filling up right now?

Hole In The Tapestry Of Life

Imagine an intricate tapestry made of a rich fabric of vibrant colours. It is so huge that it covers the entire wall. You have never seen the wall behind the Tapestry. For you, the wall does not exist. You spend all your time admiring the Tapestry – so beautiful, so breathtaking.

One day you see a tiny hole in the Tapestry – and slowly, it starts to grow. The hole is big enough that you can see the wood-like brown colour of the wall. Your Tapestry is no longer perfect, so you weave another pattern to fill the hole. And then these holes keep appearing more and more frequently, and you are so busy weaving other designs that you no longer enjoy the tapestries.

What if I tell you that this is what we do with our lives? We build a story of how our life should be in our minds. 

I will get a promotion, get a wonderful life, marry a rich, handsome guy, have lovely kids and live happily ever after. 

I will write the next famous app like angry birds, and it will earn me millions, and I will never have to work again.

I will win a lottery and become the richest man in the world and be happy.

It never quite works out as the story in our head. For starters, your car may decide to break down in the morning, or your heater broke down, and you have to fix it. Or your friend marries a rich guy. So a hole appears in the story of our lives, and we fill it up with other stories. We are so uncomfortable with holes that we have a back up ready if a spot does appear – we stuff the backup plan to cover the gap.

Let’s go back to the Tapestry on the wall for a second – what if one day you got so tired of filling up the holes that you give up. You let the gaps appear, and you do not fill them up. Your wonderful Tapestry dissolves right in front of your eyes. You weep as you see it decaying. But, then you see that there is a door in the wall. The Tapestry had been preventing you from seeing the door. 

You open the door and enter inside to find an entire room filled with beautiful tapestries. Even more importantly, you do not feel the need to fill the holes in them anymore because you still see the beauty.

Our lives are the same way – we are so busy building stories that we never discover the wonderful treasure that waits for us behind the stories. It is like Tolle says in his book – ‘Power Of Now’, we are all like beggars sitting on a treasure chest who never look inside it. 

What is that treasure? What is the door hidden behind? Our true self – unchanging self, the self that watches the story unfold without becoming the story. The screen on which the story unfolds does not care about the story – it exists. Are you ready to not fill the gaps anymore?

Humanity’s True Religion is the capital ‘I’.

‘I was born into the Hebrew persuasion, but when I got older, I converted to narcissism’ is a famous quote by Woody Allen. 

He is more aware of the core belief than most of us, who harbour the belief that we are not in love with ourselves. The truth is we only love ourselves – the sooner we come to terms with it better for us and humanity as a whole. The degree to which we all suffer from this dis-ease may vary, but there is no denying that this is a universal illness.

Anytime something happens in your life – your car breaks down, your husband leaves you, your kid is expelled, your boss leaves the company, your pizza delivery guy is late. What is your first thought? What about me? What will I do?

The ‘I’ is so important in our lives; we capitalize it. If it is not, then it is considered a grammatical error. Look out for yourself, stand up for yourself – and the I have become collated into bigger I’s based on caste, race, gender, birthplace, financial status. These bigger I’s are now fighting other bigger I’s because they believe in their I. They are fighting for a cause – a cause that is bigger than the smaller I.

Does this mean that we should stop thinking about ourselves and focus on others – give up everything and live like a monk or a nun. Unfortunately, how much ever we try, we are wired to be selfish. We are focusing on the wrong I. We have mistaken the sign for the destination. It’s like the dog who keeps looking at his owner’s fingers when he needs to look at what the fingers are pointing towards.

We are focused on the role that we play in our short time on planet earth. We play many roles – boss, employee, mother, wife, widow, pet owner, vegan, meditator, spiritual seeker, capitalist. The list is truly endless. Unless we are in touch with the unchanged within us – these roles are like filling up a bottomless bucket. Beneath all the roles we play, that entity observes the role. The very fact that we have a relationship with ourselves means there is a watcher and the watched. 

When we say, ‘I am sad,’ – the I is aware of the sadness. There is a part that is sad and a part that can observe the sadness. No other species on the planet except humans have a relationship with themselves. A dog does not have a self-image. A bird does sit on a tree branch wondering, ‘Should I fly now? Can I make it? What if this gust of wind is not good enough? Will I get where I want to go?’ No, this is the speciality of human minds alone. [Read my story about how this came to be at this link]

It is time to awaken from the drama and realize who you are. We need to be aware of the roles we play and take them for what they are – Roles. Only then will we be able to get in touch with the true self, which is love. And for that self – talking about love is like talking to a fish about water.

What role are you playing now?

Being A Women – What Do You Know?

‘There will always be a$$*0**$ at work. You have to learn to deal with them.’ My first ever mentor told me – and I did not see her as a mentor then, but now I am very grateful. I learnt a lot, A LOT from her.

I was in my late twenties and my first job after my MBA. I was on a rotational program. A peer of mine and I got assigned to a project for six months. Two weeks into the job, my boss called me into his room and gave me a wad of papers and said, ‘Can you make copies of this?’ I remember not knowing what to say or do. I took the copies with me, went to my task, and it dawned on me that he is treating me like a secretary. I went down to his office with the papers and told him, ‘You do not pay me MBA salary to make copies; ask your secretary.’ I remember my heart was beating fast, and I spent the next few days in a daze. I eventually let my coordinator know – she said, ‘Don’t worry, this won’t affect your performance.’ I am sure my peer, who was a male, never had to go through this.

I remember talking to my female friend (mentor mentioned earlier), an executive at a leading company. She told me very clearly that this does happen at work, and I have to learn to deal with it. I am very grateful she did. I never entered the workforce, thinking I need to prepare mentally for such scenarios. Maybe we should prepare both men and women!

It’s been a long time since this incident, and I have learnt to handle myself. How to work in an all-male team? How to identify types of men? But, even now, when I think of the incident, there is some turmoil in my heart. The reason why this incident bubbled up in my memories is – Moxie, Netflix move about patriarchy.

The issue of patriarchy existed when I was born and still exists today. Things have improved. I know it has gotten better, but there is a part of me that baulks at the unfairness of it all. And it is hard to blame one person at it – so if you cannot blame one, blame all. Yes, we are all a part of why it happens; it is up to each of us to be aware of it and take the right steps. 

Where do we go from here? Spend some time understanding the problem. We are so quick to come up with solutions in the form of committees or give examples of supporting women etc. It is good that you do that, but before anything else – stay in our shoes for a minute or two – and that is all, right action will arise.

I know we have evolved when there is no need for a blog like this to be written. So, do you know what it feels like? Really, feel like? (If you like this blog, you may enjoy this blog)