Story 1: For almost a year in a row I had two apples for breakfast every day. I would wake up in the morning, use my apple corer, fill up a plastic cup and eat them during the car ride to the office. It was convenient, healthy and kept the doctor away. I don’t really care for apples though.
Story 2: I usually wear dresses to the office, personal choice. I like wearing dresses because they are more feminine. The day I turned up wearing jeans on Friday I got a lot of surprised looks and comments. During winter or around fall I wore jeans to the office during most Fridays. One of my colleagues pointed it out and said, “I thought you didn’t like wearing jeans.”
Story 3: I was introduced to Bikram Yoga by a friend in London. And I loved it so much that we rented a flat next to the studio. I went to the studio almost every day for two years. Then I stopped doing yoga altogether for six months and haven’t practiced Bikram Yoga since then.
This post is about likes and dislikes. I may like or dislike something but that doesn’t mean I am bound by some law to do what I like and not do what I dislike. For me, practicality and convenience overcome likes and dislikes. Eating an apple for breakfast made my life easy.
I was feeling cold in office and jeans kept me warm. It doesn’t matter whether I like jeans or not – for me being warm was more important than wearing cotton pants which by the way I do like.
My likes and dislikes change. I have no control over them like in the case of Bikram Yoga, hence I do not see the value in tying myself to my own likes and dislikes which change and are fleeting. Never say never.
We all have our pet peeves and the way we like things. We might like our eggs to be a certain way, we might like our co-workers to be a certain way or not be a certain way. The way we like our parents to behave, our partners to react, our pets to act… The list is endless.
That said I am also guilty of having an attachment to the things I like – I love having Indian tea with milk even though I am trying to go Vegan. I dislike drinking. We all have a strong attachment to things we like and aversion to the things we dislike. There is nothing wrong with liking or disliking something – we don’t have a choice. Our subconscious has already judged something but we do have control over our attachment or aversion to something.
Another thing is to note is that our likes and dislikes really don’t matter. We may not like rain but if it is raining we have three choices a) be upset about it (if you dislike rain) b) be happy about it (if you like rain) c) don’t care because it doesn’t matter to you. None of these three choices change the fact that it is raining. 99% of the time life is that way – the reality as it is doesn’t change and we have the freedom to choose our response to it.
Last Saturday our two year old pup – Aki decided he wanted to experience freedom. He wiggled free from his collar and went for an hour jaunt around the neighborhood. My husband, Adam trudged behind, coaxing Aki to come back. Aki is a shiba inu and they are known for their stubbornness so he kept going. Fortunately, Adam ran into another couple walking their dogs,he explained what happened and asked them to watch out for Aki if they see him. And Aki decided to say hello to their dogs and they managed to catch him. Adam and I are grateful to them for catching Aki.
It is easier for dog owners to relate to each other as they all go through similar experiences. Even though the dog owners do not explicitly share their experiences they can relate to each other. In some ways the community of Dog Owners just exists – nobody had to create it. I was telling a stranger in dog park about how Aki has become more rebellious since he turned two. He responded, “Maybe he is just being a teenager.” For somebody who does not own a dog this conversation might not make a lot of sense but the dog owners know that for them their dogs are just like children.
We all know the quote that “friends are the family we choose”, I believe that the same thing exists for communities or social circles as well. Lot of people ask me how is London different from Columbus. Personally, the main difference is that I felt at home in London and I never realized it until I left London. In London everybody is from outside, from somewhere else. Every other person is talking in their own language, different cuisines – even the airport in London has welcome in different languages. And that itself is a community of people who don’t belong anywhere – global nomadic community. Adam and I feel at home there because we don’t really belong anywhere too.
Can you imagine a world where we believe that humanity or rather the human condition itself is a community.Our existence on earth as a human being goes beyond the race, religion and other barriers we have created. We all face heartbreaks. We experience the same emotions of happiness, sadness, jealousy, envy. These are more powerful binding agents than what kind of dress you wear or language you speak. We all go through the same phases in life – birth, baby, kids, young adults, teenagers, adults, family, old age and death. Instead of finding commonness here we look for other factors like skin color, religious beliefs as something to bind us. Just because I was born in India and Adam in America does not mean we experience different anger or joy. It is the same.
I am an utopian – I believe in an ideal world. And I fail to understand why humanity as a community is termed as Utopian. When I share my views with people the usual response is – “In an ideal world – yes.” Humans understanding each other as a human and relating to each other as human is just table stakes not an ideal world. This is how we should all live – but then maybe this is what is Utopia.
Adam and I were walking to a coffee shop downtown. I saw this lanky young man with a head full of thick curls walking towards us. He was talking non-stop and was holding onto his pants. As he walked past us I realized that he was talking to himself and not on bluetooth as I had assumed.
For some reason him talking to himself stayed with me for a while. I asked my husband, “What goes through your mind when you see a mad person talking to himself?” His answer was,”Compassion. I think that homeless people are judged twice – once because of their condition and second because of the way we treat them – with fear, pity , ignorance.” Did I ever tell you that Adam is a really nice guy?
My initial thought when I see a crazy person is Fear but not because I am afraid of them. I am scared that there is a very fine line that separates me from them. He talks out aloud where as my mind talks inside all the time. I will be honest and this is not an original thought (if there is such a thing). I read this in the opening pages of the Tolle’s Power Of Now. I read that book about ten years ago now and I am still evolving.
If you want to experiment – just sit quietly and watch where your monkey mind goes. There is no end to the branches it climbs. There is no rhyme or reason to the thoughts – there is no method to madness here. We all carry our monkey mind with us every moment of our living lives.
The difference between crazy person and sane person is that sane person does not talk his thoughts aloud. Probably because sane person is aware that is not accepted social behavior and partially because at some level he knows that whatever goes through his mind is not real. We can distinguish between what is real and what is not at some level. It is a very fine line though.
There is another distinguishing factor – sane person knows that he is not his mind chatter to a certain extent. Let’s say you are in an argument and your mind chatter is running amuck. It’s telling you how the other person is out to get you, they are lying etc etc. There are sometimes when you don’t listen to the mind chatter and you remain calm but there are times when you get carried away with what your mind is telling you. And you become your mind chatter – that’s when we have lost our balance. To use another analogy our head is under water,we have lost touch with what is real and we cannot see clearly. The times when we can ignore our mind chatter, realize that there are two sides to a story and stay calm are the times when our head is above the water.
The human life itself is a very precious gift and being able to watch our mind chatter is another gift – let’s make the most of it.
I have a hard time listening to others. I am very good at listening… to myself – I am beginning to realize that I love the sound of my own voice. And recently with the change in my role as a people leader I find myself coming back to the listening more and more. Maybe, its because I am realizing that unless I learn to listen I won’t be efficient. And like everything else this is also an ability that can be learnt and it will take time.
I have given this matter – “Why I don’t Listen?” some serious thought.
REASON 1: I believe I know all the answers. I believe I am smarter than others and get to solution quicker. And maybe I can but that’s not the end – is it? I would never do something if somebody told me to do it – unless I realize that’s it something I want to do usually it means I have thought about it. So this applies to other people too. And it depends on the situation – if you know somebody is running towards fire then you will do your best to stop them and not listen to why they are trying to burn themselves. Most situations in life aren’t that dangerous or crucial.
REASON 2: I don’t have the time. I have other things to do and cannot waste my time listening to people talk. Really! That is not true. And irony is if I don’t slow down and listen now, then I will always be hurrying. If I have to make life easier for me then I have to slow down and listen to people.
REASON 3: If I am just listening then what value am I adding? I have to realize that listening to people, truly listening people is the greatest gift I can give them in this world. And it is definitely more valuable than talking.
Or sometimes I wonder if it is the fear of silence, un-comfortable feeling that arises when there is silence – does it mean I have to hold off a little longer. Give people some more time before wrapping it up or filling it in?
Talking takes up a lot of energy and most of what I talk is utter nonsense. Just to fill the space. There is a very little part of what I say during the day that really has to be said. Rest of the time I am just trying to prove how smart and important I am. Now – that has its own place but not all the time. So, even though I know all this then why is it so hard for me to listen? Because I forget, and old habits die hard. But all great journeys begin with one step. And I set the intent to listen every day. Even I fail to do that the intention is there and that is the first step.
Why do I feel it is important to listen? Because I feel it and at this point in my life it is something that I need to learn. Like my dad had said – “I am trying to increase my listening capacity.” He and my husband, Adam would know as they listen to me all the time. I am grateful for that.
I am on a journey and hopefully I am at a different station when we talk about this topic next.